Game one. Walking up the steps to the bus we start a new season. I walk to the back of the bus, putting my head phones in. I sit down and turn around and look at my teammates. I have gotten so close to these twelve girls in the past three weeks, through long tryouts and practices. We laugh and listen to music but it is clear that we all hold determination and focus on our minds. Ten minutes from the field our captain Lauren reads our team a quote, “Make your weaknesses your strengths and your strengths stronger”. This year our team is here to win. With a new coach, Holliston has a new face this season. There are brand new things to learn. But the most determining part is his will, to teach and help us. As we pull into the parking lot of the field, we get pumped up. We know we can win, but we are not cocky. We are here for the game. We are here with a new season to play softball. We are here as a united team that won’t stop at anything. We are here to play and we will not stop playing and fighting until the umpire says that it is time to go home. Welcome to my life, living to play the sport of softball. But welcome to my town, welcome to Holliston High School softball.
Stepping onto the field for the first time of the season, gives you a special feeling. This season the feeling is more intense with a great coach and a supportive team behind you. We put our head, mind and body into this game. Our coach keeps telling us that if we buy into what he is telling us we are going to be champions this season. Before the game we throw around the ball, we cheer each other on and start to focus on being here. We look like an army with our black and white wind breakers. But we also send a message that Holliston has a new face this season. After a while we get into the rhythm of throwing the ball, and then we see the umpires walk across the field. At this moment we know the game is about to start. We walk back onto the dugout and take off our warm up jackets. Our coach tells us that we will be hitting first. Grabbing our bats and helmets we walk to the end of the dugout and align our equipment. As Ashland takes the field our first batter, Ashley, walks onto the field and to home plate. Here we go!
Looking out of the dugout we have runners on first and third. I am on deck batting and my pre-game nerves start to come back. When my teammate strikes out, I put on my batting gloves. As I step into the box, I glance at my coach and he says, “Relax!” I take my first pitch, a perfect strike but I let it go by. I step out of the box and calm down. I have millions of butterflies in my stomach but at that moment I want nothing more than to hit the ball. I step back into the box and the world falls away. I can no longer hear the screams of my teammates or the claps of my coach; it is just the pitcher and I. As she winds her arm back, I shift my weight. When she lets go of the ball I take a step and lead with my right foot. I watch the ball all the way to my bat and keep my chin down. Time slows and everything is quiet. As the ball cracks against my bat all of the sound I heard before floods back. All the noise from my team and my family comes to me and I take off running.
Sitting down in right field after our game, a warm smile overcomes me. This is our first game and win of the season and it feels good. It shows that the endless hours of practice has paid off. And it shows that I can play on this team, and we can win. There is pride from wearing this Holliston jersey and there is pure determination on everyone’s mind for the course of this season. Small mistakes from this game do not matter. We take them and go back to perfect them at practice. Nothing is going to stop us this season. We take the pride and smiles and happiness from this game and we move forward starting our momentum, and think about this, you have a team with pure determination, want desire and love for this game…and its only April!
Word Count: 791
Erica, I enjoyed reading this. I can tell that you are very dedicated to softball. I like how you added in short sentences for a great effect. I wish you had written about how you ran the bases, because all you wrote is that you started to run. I think next time you should write your position.
ReplyDeleteErica, i really liked reading your story because i play softball as well. What position do you play? The last paragraph, 7th sentence, you wrote perfect instead of perfecting.
ReplyDeleteYou were really descriptive. How did it feel when you hit the ball? Nest time you should try describing the scene around you.
ReplyDeleteIgnore Meaghan's comment about changing perfect to perfecting--she's not wrong, but either form could work! You do a good job of slowing time down and building suspense and emotion, and that's a tough thing to do. Most young writers don't have the patience.
ReplyDelete1. For the most part, this entry is excellent and free of mistakes...until the last sentence. That one's a looloo! "We take the pride and smiles and happiness from this game and we move forward starting our momentum, and think about this, you have a team with pure determination, want desire and love for this game…and its only April!" Here are some issues with the sentence:
a. you swap "we" and "us" for "you" halfway through--that's a lot for a reader to keep straight.
b. you end on the classic "it's" vs. "its" mistake. Leave a strong impression on the reader, who in this case is your teacher. Close error-free! Early errors don't lead to doom, but errors in the bottom of the ninth will lose you the game. See how I made that into a baseball/softball metaphor?
2. You are using some advanced techniques in your writing, such as repetition, which you use in the first paragraph quite effectively.
3. Remember to set off phrases that open sentences with a comma. For example, you did so in this sentence: "Sitting down in right field after our game, a warm smile overcomes me." Here you remembered the comma, but technically this says a warm smile was sitting in right field after the game. You mean : "As I sit down in right field after the game, a warm smile overcomes me." In the following example, the comma after the phrase is missing. "Walking up the steps to the bus we start a new season." Put in a comma after bus and you'll be better off. Here you put in a comma when you didn't need one: "Stepping onto the field for the first time of the season, gives you a special feeling." Here the gerund phrase (stepping onto the field for the first time of the season) acts as a noun, the subject of the sentence. Consequently, you don't want to put a comma between the noun and the verb "gives". Take a look back and try to find a few more examples of these comma, or lack-of-comma issues in the post.
I really liked this, i love sports and think it really reflect your personality and your passion for sports. congratz on making varsity!
ReplyDelete